Your Trugmakers May News
Well, just business as usual, but May is a little bit special as it is my 25th Wedding anniversary and I have to say it has been 8 years of bliss (one sleeps for a third of ones life!).
Seriously though, Jaqui is quite honestly one in a million (the identical proportion of humans who contract Bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Jaqui is as good a Wife, Mother, friend and human being as one could ever be fortunate enough to encounter and simply demands respect. e.g. I was foolish enough once to complain about her over-cautious driving, she never reacted as one would assume, but said " I think I have a puncture in a rear tyre", complaining I got out of the car and checked, she then drove off and left me 10 miles from home and my wallet in the car. On another occasion after multiple requests to replace a loose wire on her iron that went unheeded by me, she called out the emergency South East Electricity engineers to replace the plug!!! Despite the protests and financial warnings by Colonel Sparks the directive was "Just Do It". On arriving home she handed me the bill with her lovely smile. I could have bought a commercial ironing machine for less!
We are taking a short break in London to celebrate our anniversary (keep an eye on the May update coming shortly) as we have not visited the Tower of London since it was built. The business will be run (down) by our two daughters Stevie and Lori in our absence so do not hesitate to call with your orders but be prepared for backround sounds of Iron Maiden, Prodigy, Metallica etc.
Your Trugmakers May News Update
Travelled up by train (had trolley service that sold white wine - Cooooool!), arrived at Victoria Station and was accosted by a beggar asking for money. As he was better dressed than me I mugged him.
Five star Hotel was wonderful, only problem of course here in England, was the language barrier. I should have not been the typical English tourist and ought to have learned Polish (the native tongue).
Visited the Tower of London. If you've never been, it really is a must before you die, ask Anne Bolyn.
There is a new exhibition of quite recently discovered Henry VIII's armour entitled 'dressed to kill', amazing! I think
I offended one of the curators when I asked "is there any genuine armour, not repro?". He was quite indignant in
his response " Sir, I can assure you this is all entirely genuine and many items used in both battle and
tournaments". Well excuse me! According to Wikipedia, velcro is a relatively modern invention!
Tradition has it that when/if the Ravens ever leave the Tower of London, the
entire United Kindom will fall. Well I have it on good authority that young scamp
Peter Mandelson has been up to his tricks again - The Ravens wings have
been clipped!
Eh! Gotta to hand it to him.
On leaving the theatre we were surrounded by paparazzi, obviously trugmakers are worthy of celebrity status in the Haymarket. As it transpired, the theatre opposite had a 'first night' of Sweet Charity. Stars and Rollers everywhere. Shook hands with those that knew me and left.
While working, I have no desire to eat anything substantial, I don't have lunch or dinner breaks (gotta pay for the seats somehow) so had not eaten all day. I like to be ravenous when I do eat to enjoy the food to the full. Anyway, by the time we left the theatre, I could have eaten a Turks sandal.
Before leaving for the theatre, Jaq ordered her favourite sandwich, ham and tomato, as she was a "wee bit peckish". I declined one (at £12 95 can you blame me?). Trouble was, it was the busiest time of day for sandwiches and it didn't arrive before we left. I Instructed the consierge to leave it in our room covered.
Heading for the nearest Angus Steak House, and salivating at the thought of an Aberdeen Angus hind quarter with trimmings, (didn't care if it cost 18 trugs) jaqui said "I'm soooo looking forward to my sandwich". One doesn't have to be Stephen Hawkins to assume that she had no intention of eating out! (and yes I did realise I used a small 'j' in jaqui's name - it was intentional!). So - back to the Royal Trafalgar Hotel. Jaq complained I was walking too slow - yet I still love her! The hotel was all one could ask in every aspect - except sandwiches. I've seen better from a Salvation Army kitchen (not as a recipient I must add). Anyway, Victory was mine!! The consierge had left a complimentary bottle of wine as it was our 25th Anniversary (obviously unaware the 25th anniversary requires a 'Silver' gift - he could have wrapped the sandwich in Silver BacoFoil!).
A handful of stale dorito's and a bottle of wine later - Long Live illigal immigrants!
I have to say, I do feel that since birth I have been weighed down by the 'Sods law factor'. Why? - I'LL TELL YOU WHY!
Good News! In the morning, quite prepared to eat a yellow pages directory from a recyle bin, we approached the breakfast buffet. Something else! Bacon, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, sausages, ham, mushrooms, sausages, baked beans, tomatoes, fried bread, toast, coffee, fruit, croissants etc.etc. Oh! just heaven, stand aside anorexics - serious overeating is about to occur!
Bad News! The plates were designed for Lilliput.
Making my way back to our table with a fried egg on sausage scaffolding backfilled with eleven and a half baked beans was to say the least precarious not wishing to spill my micro munchies onto the laps of Royalty and Shell oil magnates. Glancing left at the adjacent table, I was astonished to see that two breakfast diners had plates the size of a small country - filled with ALL of the above! Leaning forward for the sake of dissgretion, I pointed out the seemingly unfairness to Jaqui. "Oh yes, the plates were in a warmer over in the corner,
I thought you weren't hungry".
I shall miss her!
